(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
You Might Also Like
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.