Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10