*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.