Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Passed by a old school Math example today.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.