Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.