[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.