[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

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me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*


9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?


Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.


I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.


Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.


Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.


I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.