[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
We avoided this particular disaster
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.