@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

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@compIexed

me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*

@Book_Krazy

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

@nappydolemite

Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.

@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@junejuly12

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

@ericsshadow

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

@CerebralWreck

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

@Parkerlawyer

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.