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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me driving through Toronto
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal