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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.