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I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Everyone’s family
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school