(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
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He has no idea 🤡
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
same but as an audience member
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased