Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

eating my hot dog hamburger style

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times