(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]