Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

same but as an audience member