[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
this chia pet tastes awful
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people