Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.