Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

こいつ天才

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Meeeee too!

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

And bowling should be called pinball

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.