Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool