Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

my sentiments exactly

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

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– Parallel parking my time machine

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back