Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Bruh 😂
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.