Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Look at this
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.