Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough