Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
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(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
la cocaina
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.