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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Great Canadian literature.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Who’s your best friend?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land