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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
dictator is short for richard potato
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….