Flock of bats
You Might Also Like
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Anyone really
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*lint rolls you awake*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
me to God
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..