Flock of bats
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Like sleeping!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality