Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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Selfie
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.