Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

True freaking story!

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables