Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.