Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Single and childfree like Jesus

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.