Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.