Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

tourist season

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe