Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out