Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂