[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Ok but actually
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?