[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
August 8
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them