[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
You Might Also Like
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.