Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.