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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”