Florida be like…
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
@ candidates for local office
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
waiting for halloween be like:
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
courtroom exchange of the day
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.