Florida be like…
You Might Also Like
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
This fish is cracking me up
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.