Florida be like…
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
It’s that simple 👊🏻
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.