Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
And bowling should be called pinball
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
Breaking news:
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead