Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Netflix and scream at our children?!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well