Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he鈥檇 dipped in his cup of milk. What鈥檚 the deal with that?!
Based on 2020 thus far, I鈥檓 expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I鈥檇 go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I鈥檓 sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
my professor scared me for a second
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”