What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
You Might Also Like
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird