“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
You Might Also Like
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.