Florida man
You Might Also Like
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds