Florida man
You Might Also Like
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.