Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

yikes

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg