Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.