Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.