Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
me, after any kind of buffet.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley