Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Snapes on a plane.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
As a doctor, I can confirm
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture