Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Breaking news:
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Monday
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich