Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Confused owl: What?!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?