Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

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I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable


Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?


“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down


Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick


white people lose their wallet and say “if i were a wallet , where would i be?”


ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.