@FlyJ_

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

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@mattewe02

I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

@sixfootcandy

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

@OprahSide

white people lose their wallet and say “if i were a wallet , where would i be?”

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@WildeThingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.