I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
direct deposit: $1400
me at Nike: you do it.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick
white people lose their wallet and say “if i were a wallet , where would i be?”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.