Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You Might Also Like
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Wait a minute
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here