Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
love it when they get my name right
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked