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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.