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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Breaking news:
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened