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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Incredible customer service.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more