Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.