Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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Voting is the worst group project
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
