Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.