Fluff me with a fork baby
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.