Fluff me with a fork baby
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place