Fluff me with a fork baby
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Best spoiler warning ever
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.