Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

That’s no pocket rocket.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.