[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
New favorite tiktok
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.