Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

2022 be like

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

i’m gonna allow it

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Herpes is trending, good job people

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so