Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”