Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
spicy snake
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what